Friday, December 18, 2009

Fear the White Death

Update 11:24 AM:  If you're reading this now, you're too late.  Godspeed.

Cover your children! The Capital Weather Gang is calling for anywhere from 7"-14" of snow this weekend to blanket our fair city. As a transplanted Ohioan, all I can say is "Wheeee!"

However, this is DC, and I have noticed that things are done a bit differently here. With that in mind, I present a few items of preparation which you should immediately embark upon in order to ensure the survival of yourself and your loved ones throughout the coming White Plague:

  • A foot of snow might create a mild inconvenience for those attempting to get to the grocery store. Thus, be certain to head out tonight and purchase ridiculously huge quantities of milk, bread and toilet paper. This will be useful for creating milk & TP sandwiches when your power goes off and all of your other food is destroyed.
  • Do you have enough batteries for your flashlight? Do you have a flashlight? Make a beeline for your local hardware store and purchase at least one flashlight for every room in your house, along with 2-3 spares. Then, purchase at least a dozen batteries of every type in order to ensure appropriate periods of light for the inevitable dark weeks ahead.

  • Do not, under any circumstances, expect to rely on candlelight for your home lighting needs during the coming storm. You will need to save your matches in order to ignite the pieces of flooring you will be ripping out in order to make a fire to stay warm. Pine flooring tends to burn quite well, I am told.

  • Have you noticed that people who live in hurricane-prone areas of the country tend to board up and/or tape their windows in advance of an approaching storm? You should do that too. We are, after all, talking about 7"-14" of SNOW, for god's sake. Who cares if you perceive no real risk to your home's insulated windows? The white death can attack in many different ways. Better to be safe than sorry.

  • Finally, and perhaps most importantly, please head immediately to your nearest gas station and fill up your tank. For added peace of mind, bring along several gas cans and fill them up, too. After all, with a foot of snow expected, you never know when your local gas station might reopen--and you do not want to be stranded without an adequate supply of milk, bread and toilet paper when the White Death comes.
As for myself, my preparations will include ensuring that I have an adequate supply of Brooklyn Chocolate Stout, and a well-positioned seat on the sofa to watch Armageddon. Flashlights are nice and all, but beer is better.


Max K. said...

As somebody who was born and raised in Russia, I would say "Dress light but warm, then go outside and enjoy the snow!" :)

Saltk006 said...

From Up-State New York. I think the biggest difference is that nothing in Up-State is canceled ahead of time. We wait to see where it falls and then decide. I never understood the toilet paper part of preparation. Do most people only ever have 1 days supply of toilet paper on hand? Are they constantly living in TP Poverty never knowing where their next wipe will come from?

As for me, I plan on enjoying the snow, playing football, and enjoying the Navy Band Holiday concert tomorrow night at DAR. I highly recommend it. It gets you in the holiday spirit better than 10 inches of snow.

brap said...

I just ran out of milk!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not going to make it... not without milk.

CaptnSpaulding said...

Hey - you guys should post some shots/video of the giant snowball fight that took place at your namesake intersection -

here is a good one:

Anonymous said...

I just fear whites.